Recently I seem to be having a few upheavals in my personal relationships and also those around me. Don’t you get the feeling that sometimes months go by without something big happening and all of a sudden it all just comes pouring upon you? Is it me or it is absolutely no fault of mine. *blinks innocently*
In the past few weeks, I seem to have upset one of the most patient and sweetest guy I know…though not intentionally. I’ve apologized and tried to make things better but he hasn’t been replying my messages nor picking up my calls. Zip. Nada. Nothing. I don’t know but lately I feel like whatever I say or do, people seems to be reacting negatively or things just blows up in my face.
Then my brother did a very good job in making me feel like a failure by letting me know I am not making enough to help with the family finances. It’s bad enough that I am already frustrated with the fact that I do not have the resources to get a degree or get a place of my own… or even my own wheels. Now he even puts more guilt on me cos my mother was contemplating going back to work so that she has enough funds to make it till the end of the month, what with rising petrol prices and inflation getting worse. At their age, my parents should be retired and we children should be the ones providing with a better lifestyle… but this ideal seems to elude me.
I have also been feeling resentful lately when the people at work seems to assume that I am always readily available to help them with favours. Sometimes they don’t even have the courtesy to ask, they just email their colleagues to ask me to do it for them… and I wasn’t even included in the mailing list! Or ask people to just dump it to me without even informing me to expect it. What am I? A robot? I have my work cut out for me too. It isn’t fair that work gets dumped on me just because you are on your break and not around to do the work. I can’t remember the last time anyone ever approached me to ask if they could help me with something. It’s always what I can help them with. Is it surprising that I feel taken for granted sometimes?
And just recently I happened to talk to one of my instructors at the gym after class about doing something for one of my school’s events. He was standing next to his ‘partner’ when I approached him to ask him a question. Then I noticed the way his ‘partner’ was looking at me up and down. You know the saying about “If looks could kill”… well I probably could have dropped dead by the way he was looking at me. He looked at me like I was a "piece of meat" rather than a person. So I just walked away after that one question… and am thinking twice again about doing business with this instructor. Hello… I don’t have any ulterior motives if that was what he was thinking. And if he thinks I’m interested in that instructor, please…I wouldn’t even give him a second thought even if he was straight! I know people don’t have the power to make you feel inferior unless you give them permission…but that incident left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Been feeling discouraged as well as I feel that there is so much more gifts and talents in me that I can give to the world but am not fully utilizing it cos I don’t seem to have avenue to make use of it in my line of work. Is it ever possible to do what you are passionate about and still be able to put food on the table? I seem to be dreading waking up every morning cos I don’t seem to have the mood to do anything. Always lethargic and tired, avoiding people if possible. Crying till my eyes are bloated in the mornings…and wishing that I don’t have to face anyone cos I feel like everyone can see my swollen eyelids.
I also seem to be having these minor migraines lately…hopefully it’s from the crying and not something more serious. Hopefully this is just a phase… or are these symptoms of a burnout. “Daddy, I know You are listening…but why do You seem so silent? You know what I need right now… I am hoping that You would send someone to give me a hug and tell me, `Don’t worry baby, everything’s going to be alright.’ cos right now I feel like I have the whole world on my shoulders.”
There… I’ve let it all out. How come I don’t feel any better? I feel very vulnerable and don’t really like myself very much right now.
In the past few weeks, I seem to have upset one of the most patient and sweetest guy I know…though not intentionally. I’ve apologized and tried to make things better but he hasn’t been replying my messages nor picking up my calls. Zip. Nada. Nothing. I don’t know but lately I feel like whatever I say or do, people seems to be reacting negatively or things just blows up in my face.
Then my brother did a very good job in making me feel like a failure by letting me know I am not making enough to help with the family finances. It’s bad enough that I am already frustrated with the fact that I do not have the resources to get a degree or get a place of my own… or even my own wheels. Now he even puts more guilt on me cos my mother was contemplating going back to work so that she has enough funds to make it till the end of the month, what with rising petrol prices and inflation getting worse. At their age, my parents should be retired and we children should be the ones providing with a better lifestyle… but this ideal seems to elude me.
I have also been feeling resentful lately when the people at work seems to assume that I am always readily available to help them with favours. Sometimes they don’t even have the courtesy to ask, they just email their colleagues to ask me to do it for them… and I wasn’t even included in the mailing list! Or ask people to just dump it to me without even informing me to expect it. What am I? A robot? I have my work cut out for me too. It isn’t fair that work gets dumped on me just because you are on your break and not around to do the work. I can’t remember the last time anyone ever approached me to ask if they could help me with something. It’s always what I can help them with. Is it surprising that I feel taken for granted sometimes?
And just recently I happened to talk to one of my instructors at the gym after class about doing something for one of my school’s events. He was standing next to his ‘partner’ when I approached him to ask him a question. Then I noticed the way his ‘partner’ was looking at me up and down. You know the saying about “If looks could kill”… well I probably could have dropped dead by the way he was looking at me. He looked at me like I was a "piece of meat" rather than a person. So I just walked away after that one question… and am thinking twice again about doing business with this instructor. Hello… I don’t have any ulterior motives if that was what he was thinking. And if he thinks I’m interested in that instructor, please…I wouldn’t even give him a second thought even if he was straight! I know people don’t have the power to make you feel inferior unless you give them permission…but that incident left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Been feeling discouraged as well as I feel that there is so much more gifts and talents in me that I can give to the world but am not fully utilizing it cos I don’t seem to have avenue to make use of it in my line of work. Is it ever possible to do what you are passionate about and still be able to put food on the table? I seem to be dreading waking up every morning cos I don’t seem to have the mood to do anything. Always lethargic and tired, avoiding people if possible. Crying till my eyes are bloated in the mornings…and wishing that I don’t have to face anyone cos I feel like everyone can see my swollen eyelids.
I also seem to be having these minor migraines lately…hopefully it’s from the crying and not something more serious. Hopefully this is just a phase… or are these symptoms of a burnout. “Daddy, I know You are listening…but why do You seem so silent? You know what I need right now… I am hoping that You would send someone to give me a hug and tell me, `Don’t worry baby, everything’s going to be alright.’ cos right now I feel like I have the whole world on my shoulders.”
There… I’ve let it all out. How come I don’t feel any better? I feel very vulnerable and don’t really like myself very much right now.
“Why so downcast O my soul? Put your hope in God.” ~ Psalm 42:5 ~
Comments
.. cheesy ain't it?
will keep ya in prayers, take care! you hang on there.
a virtual hug??? is there such a thing? miss having ps cornelio and ps deborah around. can alwiz expect big bear hugs from them when they come visit...
Wow I feel like I can't keep her happy or she doesn't see me as a daughter but a liability in her family! Yeah..i feel totally useless in my family... Well Caroline, we'll keep each other strong! As long as we have Jesus and each other!
but that i can still tolerate. what still freaks me out is what your mum thinks about premarital sex...
at least my mum's still the old-fashioned type!